"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just gargled with NyQuil
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