Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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