i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
