I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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