Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
