Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it hurts more in the daytime
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
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If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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