best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
