You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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