Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
