He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
if only i could text you this smell
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Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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