Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
