so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
