just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
