Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I supernannyed him into submission
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
