I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
