I'm lost and stupid without you.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
