I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
