Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
