Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
