She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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