OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
