mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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