is wine microwaveable?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
