Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
