you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you inspire me to be a worse person
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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