I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
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when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Even the bartender felt bad for me
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
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