Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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