im drinking this country out of the recession.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
