Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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