At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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