I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
