You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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