when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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