Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It's never too late to be topless.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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