had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
