It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I checked into jail on foursquare
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
