new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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