My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
