i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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