if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
