between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
