I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He told me they were just razor bumps!
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
