his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
