dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
