i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
