so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
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Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
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You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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