Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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