Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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