he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
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I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
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Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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