So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Mom said you looked used
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
