I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
