did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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