I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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