dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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