and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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