So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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