Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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